As I slowly turn the key to my mailbox, I shut my eyes and give one last prayer that the mailman got sick and didn’t deliver today. When I nervously peek inside, my hopes are shattered. There, staring menacingly back at me is my credit card bill. I quickly cover my face as my mind races through the purchases I bought last month. Didn’t I buy shoes? No…wait yes I did but they went with the Betseyville purse. And I needed that new outfit! Panic consumes me as I begin to realize the damage I have done. My breaths become short and I have to remember how to breathe properly. I tell myself to calm down or I will end up at the hospital with a panic attack and another bill to pay. My advice doesn’t seem to work because my heart beats even faster as I shakily pull the envelope out. As I hold the bill in my hands, I am almost expecting it to explode like a bomb. With my face in a grimace, I begin to tear the top of the envelope, but each time my hand slices through the paper I feel as if I am being cut too. Beads of sweat drip down my body as I finish tearing open the bill. I take a moment and contemplate whether or not I have enough strength to complete the worst part- looking at my statement. While my body does feel like it’s on the verge of a breakdown, I know I have to finish this painful process. I pull the statement out and hold it in front of my terrified face. Apprehensively and with one eye closed, I glance at my balance. My heart stops. Staring back at me is a number so big and frightening that saying it out loud should be considered a curse word. I turn my face away feeling the onsets of a panic attack kicking in. Feeling ridden with shame, I hold my head down as I drag myself back to the apartment. My short breaths make climbing the stairs difficult, but all I am thinking about is “Maybe I didn’t need that new outfit after all.”
I think this is a situation that all of us can empathize with, which helps a lot in drawing us in. It's well written, particularly the one eye closed bit. The main problem I see here is that it lacks a bit in flow. Actions here may logically follow each other, but it reads kind of like a bullet point list of what you're doing. This doesn't have to be too terribly complicated, and may be as simple as just reordering the sentence structure so that there are less -period- breaks to disrupt the flow.
ReplyDeleteYou have the emotional roller coaster down, but more description could serve to draw readers in further, in the same way the "one eye closed" line works. Something like "My dissapointed footfalls echo up the lonely stairwell, and all I can think..." While empathizable emotions certainly help provoke a response, rich descriptions and more metaphors will augment that qute a bit in changing it from "I know exactly how that feels" to making them feel like they're right there next to you as the bill crushes your hopes.
Nice work! You really captured the anxiety and dread of this moment. I have definitely gotten credit card bills I was not looking forward to before, and this is exactly how I felt. I love the part about having one eye closed.
ReplyDeleteI would consider changing the word “letter” to “envelope” when you describe taking it out of the mailbox (I initially took that to mean you had taken the letter out of the envelop). The middle of the paragraph may deserve some attention. With a little tinkering, the flow could easily be improved.